Intro:
If you are a Muslim man who is looking for a wife, then this article is a must-read! Your future wife is the one who will be your friend, supporter, and your future kids’ mother, in sha Allah. She will be the second pillar of your family that you are making. You want her to be perfect. She will spend her whole life with you, in sha Allah, so choosing the right person for the job is necessary. As Muslims, we need to raise religious children who will inspire and lead the ummah tomorrow so we must make the right choice today. This article will give you an overview of the journey you should take to choose a religious wife including the Islamic way and guidelines, and I hope that you will benefit from it.
The prophet said: “Women may be married for four things: their wealth, their lineage, their beauty, and their religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” Narrated by al-Bukhari (4802) and Muslim (1466).
Finding a religious family
The first and foremost step is choosing the right family in which you want to marry. In most cases, you would find out about religious families from your local masjid, relatives or as a suggestion from your shaykhs, or the people you trust. In my opinion, it is important to witness their righteousness or ask others who know them about their dealings, characteristics, and religious values.
Talking to the family members
The next step is to meet up with the family (such as her father or brothers) if you are new to them, discuss religion with them. This should be done to see whether they have proper Aqedah, an understanding of religion and whether their views align with yours. Ask any questions you have regarding the religiosity of the woman. Examples are: Does she wear a hijab in front of all non-mahrams? Does she cover her face? Does she stay away from the haram components of social media and its immoralities? Does she refrain from watching TV, dramas, series, and movies? Does she stay in segregated environments, or does she talk with boys? This may require several visits or discussions, but it is a necessary step. Bear in mind that you should be careful about maintaining some privacy while you ask questions regarding the woman. Don’t ask questions in a judgemental manner which may offend her family. Instead, try to clear your most important concerns in the kindest way possible. If you feel satisfied with their religion, give the proposal, and ask to meet her.
Meeting the woman- Nadhr Shar’iyyah (نظر شرعية)
“The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “When one of you proposes to a woman if he can see of her that which would encourage him to go ahead and marry her, then let him do so.”
There are some conditions when you meet the woman. First, the two of you shouldn’t meet alone, but in the presence of her mahram or family members. Second, you can talk to her about permissible and regular topics which will help you decide whether she is right for you. This could include her views on specific topics of Islam, her future (whether she plans to study in co-educational universities or female ones, whether she wants to work in a mixed environment or a halal female one) and her ideas about how strictly she follows Islam. Third, there should be no romantic language used during these meetings because she is still a non-mahram for you. You shouldn’t get carried away in discussions or open useless discussions which won’t help you decide about the marriage (e.g., what is your favourite colour?)
It is permissible to look up at the woman repeatedly to find out how she looks so that you will not have any regrets after marriage because usually this purpose is not achieved at first glance. Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymin (may Allah have mercy on him) said regarding this matter, “If on the first occasion, he did not find anything that would encourage him to marry her, he may look a second time and a third.” (Ash-Sharh al-Mumti‘ 12/21).
Moreover, Shaykh ibn Baaz said, “He may see the fiancée before and after the engagement to make sure of her goodness, and to be assured of her goodness and suitability, but without being alone, he should not be with solitude, but… In the presence of her father or mother or others, he sees her face, hands, and feet, it is fine, even if her hair is seen, and if he sees her hair, there is nothing wrong -in sha Allah-”.
Engagement
Alhamdulillah, coming to this step is a big achievement. After the woman, her guardian and you have agreed to proceed with the marriage, you are engaged. Typically, people do a celebration for the engagement where they exchange rings. Be mindful that the rings do not connect you two in any way and have no meaning in Islam as the non-Muslims believe. You are still non-mahrams for each other and even if you feel romance, you still cannot talk to each other freely and regularly, exchange phone numbers to chat, etc. because these things lead to romance which is haram at this stage.
The best thing to do to make life easy is to do the nikah as soon as possible. The period between engagement and nikah is usually difficult, stressful, and annoying for the practising couples who have taqwa because they know who they will marry but cannot interact with them. If we look across the ummah, a lot of fiancés chat and meet up with their fiancées which is haram. Doing the nikah quickly will reduce the whispers of Shaytaan and fitnah on a larger scale.
Conclusion
Allah stated in the Quran: “And virtuous women are for virtuous men, and virtuous men are for virtuous women” (24:26) May Allah give all the believing men righteous women to marry and may He make your journey to find a wife easy and successful. Always read these duas from the Quran if you want to get married. رَبِّ لَا تَذَرْنِى فَرْدًۭا وَأَنتَ خَيْرُ ٱلْوَٰرِثِين (21:89) رَبِّ إِنِّى لِمَآ أَنزَلْتَ إِلَىَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍۢ فَقِيرٌۭ (28:24)
